Hey! You! F*ck Face!

Eddie Murphy once had a joke about how Bill Cosby called him and told him he needed to stop saying all that "Filth Flarrin Filth." Eddie's response to the intended lesson was "I didn't say no Filth Flarrin Filth." Then he proceeded to end the call with a standard '80's Eddie riff which included "F#@K you!, Kiss my A%#, and Suck my D&^K!" and finally, a dial tone. Poor Jello guy....

A few days ago I started thinking about the things we say. When you break it down, we really are a naturally awkward and disgusting society. So... I've decided to discuss a few of my favorites things we say! Most of this is NC-17, so if you have small children or an old fashioned grandma, you might want to ask them to leave the room.

1.) "Tastes Like Shit." First off, I really need to know who was the first person to say this and how they knew what shit tasted like. I can't imagine a single solitary reason why someone would've actually picked up a turd and tasted it. Let alone compare it to everyday cuisine. I keep picturing a Little House on the Prairie-like log cabin with some cowboy/farmer yelling at his wife's cooking. "This tastes like shit!" But the fact that enough people agreed with this to make it a national treasure means that A LOT more than one or two people had to have tasted shit. I'm sure you've agreed with someone at some party about the pizza with anchovies and pineapples. "You know what? This does taste like shit." So maybe you too, have had the Brown Craving.

2.) "Fuck Face." This is actually one of my favorites. It cracks me up every time. Because if you think about some of the best times you've ever had doing the horizontal mambo, your "it's so good" face was probably a bit like a sad version of Popeye biting his lip and looking into the sun. But that's not the kicker. The kicker is that someone had the wherewithal to turn such a beautiful moment in to an all time favorite insult. "Hey! Fuck Face! You took my parking spot!" Or in a more literal sense, if someones face was actually like that 24-7, you'd be like, "Hey, why does shawn always have fuck face?" And there are some people you'd really not want to imagine their fuck face. Oprah. Donahue. Ozzy Osbourne. Fantasia. Morgan Freeman. Michael Jackson! As an insult, or just for a fun game at the mall... this one's incredible. And the fact that it caught on to become one of our countries favorites, makes it that much better.

3.) "Brain Fart." I mean really? The idea that the your brain has actually farted in the literal sense is pretty disgusting. How this came to be associated with standard errors like typos, Freudian slips, and calling someone by the wrong name is a mystery to me. "Sorry. Brain Fart!" I mean could you imagine? You're in a business meeting, and you're like "...so our 2008 projections include several terriers--" BRRRRNNNNNNT! "oh dear, excuse me! Territories. My dog ran away last week." And the smell of gaseous brain juice could potentially be just as bad as intestinal tract debris.

4.) "...as Hell." Who the hell started comparing things to one of the most feared places in the history of the heavens and the earth? Cold as Hell. Funny as Hell. Dumb as Hell. Good as Hell. Fine as Hell. Ugly as Hell (that one actually makes sense if you've ever been to the corner of Santa Monica and Highland.) First off, Hell is neither of these things. Second, I don't know about you, but I think there has to be a better way to describe a pretty woman than comparing her to Satan's Labyrinth. "Hey baby, you are FINE as where Satan lives!... "yeah, you know, the fiery place where souls are tormented and stripped of all being for infinite eterninty. Yup! That's how fine you are, baby!"

5.) "Asshole." Can you think of a more vile insult?! To compare someone to the dirtiest, darkest, stinkiest, disgusting place on the human body. I mean that's where fudge is made for pete's sake (and where salad is tossed)! I really don't need to say much on this one. But we've come to accept the definition of an Asshole as someone who has total disregard for anyone else. However, I think if I accidentally cut you off on the freeway, I don't deserve to be likened to the ol' Poopy Pothole.

6.) "Cold as a Witches Tit." This one's a little more obscure. But WHO CAME UP WITH THIS?! Again, we've all made weird metaphors and comparisons before. But when one catches on and becomes part of a culture, the idea that enough people bought into this befuddles me. "Hey, Martin. It's cold as a witches tit outside!" Martin comes back in an hour later: "You know what? That is EXACTLY how cold it is outside! You are a GENIUS!" And the breast of a witch of all things? Why is a witches tit cold as compared to any other tit? Did some witch just just leave her big green floppy breast out in the dead of a Russian winter one night while cleaning her cauldron? Or maybe there was topless witch flying around Antarctica on her broom at 90 mph. Who actually felt the witches tit to see if it was cold? Are we talking Wizard of Oz witch, or Sabrina the Teenaged witch, or just some member of a cult. So many questions! It all truly boggles the mind.

7.) "Motherfucker." Wow. Picture your dear old mom. Adorned in her apron and eyeglasses. The woman who carried you for nine-months. The woman who went to all your horrible school plays. Bathed you. Made you that spaghetti that you LOVED. Now picture her naked. Underneath you. In your own bed. Grunting. Maybe even a tear or two. I know, I know... "Woah, In-Word! Slow down!" See, this is all Oedipus' fault. If you don't know who he is, read a book, asshole (see I told you it was overboard). To imply that someone would intentionally (not like unintentionally is any better) have intercourse with their own mother is a pretty deep cut. Some of you may say, "well can't it be someone else's mother?" The answer is no. Then it wouldn't even be an insult. Intercourse with someone else's mother is 100% hi-five-able and makes you cooler than all your friends. MILF vs. Motherfucker, you be the judge.

8.) "A Pot to Piss In." I for one have never seen anyone piss in a pot. Or a bowl. or anything that belonged in a kitchen. Actually I take that back, I once pee'd in the kitchen sink because the bathroom was occupied. But never in something that food goes directly into. Supposedly, this phrase exemplifies how poor someone is. "Can I give you $5? Man, I don't even have a pot to piss in!" You shouldn't have a pot for pissing in, you nasty bastard. You see, there's a huge difference between poor and lazy. How lazy- or poor for that matter - do you have to be to piss in a pot? What if you had to do #2? Then what do you? Dump in doily? Honestly I don't think ANYONE should have a pot to piss in. Does that mean by default I think we should all be broke?! If you're that broke, put your robe on, go outside, and find a bush.

...and the list goes on and on. Maybe I'll even do a part two! But I think the point is words can be CRAZY! Although we've come to accept certain things as part of our culture, and even as funny in the proper context, the things we say can have power beyond measure. This includes even the things we say to ourselves or about ourselves. Say something enough times, it becomes a reality. Whether you planned it or not. Same with thoughts. I once heard a man say simply, "Thoughts become things." Nothing could truer! Someone had to think of a car before you were using it to cut people off on the freeway. Some caveman (or woman) had to think of a wheel before he actually carved one out and started using it. You had to think of what your dream job would be, before you got it. And you probably kept thinking about being broke, when that gig fell through. Have fun with words. Be careful with words. Use them wisely.

More on crazy words

Until next time! Peace and Hair Grease (spilled over onto a forehead)