So a Guy Doing a Master Cleanse Walks Into a Bar

A few of you have asked me both online and offline how the Master Cleanse was going or panned out. Well kids, I hate to say it, but your dad quit. ("awwwwwww"). Yup. I told the Master Cleanse I was going out to get a pack of cigarettes and never came back. Left with the shirt on my back, a leather jacket, and seven dollars to my name.

Don't get me wrong, it wasn't like I quit just because. Or that I simply couldn't take it. Trust me, when you've been to jail twice, or have lived out of your car, you can take pretty much anything! (don't get any funny ideers either). I guess the the biggest lesson I learned with the Master Cleanse is that timing is everything. Unfortunately for me, I attempted this only a few days before my birthday. This one was a special year, my 33rd or "year of the cross" as I was told - and I was having my first birthday party ever as an adult. In my head, I had it all worked out: Fast for 5 or 6 days, relax, look good and feel good on the big day, maybe have some plain pasta and broccoli as a part of my b-day dinner, go home relax, and ease back into regular food.

However, on day 3, I went to go visit a client of mine. A widow, who lives all alone in a big house overlooking the beach. A sweet, sweet woman who's only child had grown up and left the nest. A woman who's college sweetheart-turned-30 year marriage had only died a few years ago. Now prior to visiting her, I told this old bag that I was doing a frikkin Master Cleanse! So what happens when I get there?! She's got a surprise spread all laid out... Sushi, Salad, Beer, and a key lime pie. A KEY LIME PIE!!! All this followed by "I know you're on the diet, but I figured it was your birthday and I wanted to do something nice." Lady, do something nice and listen to what I've been telling you for the past 3 days.

I spent the next 20 minutes contemplating, sweating, peeking at the food from my peripherals, and trying to fill the time gaps with business and small talk. But hey, when the crack and the pipe are there, all shiny and new, and you haven't had a fix in days, you start to think a little differently. No matter what Dr. Drew says. So the pressure then continues with "If you're not gonna eat it, I'll just throw it away. I don't even eat sushi. I figured it's what everybody's eating nowadays so I thought it would be nice..." blah blah blah...

In the end, I really had to evaluate my priorities. Here is this sweet old lady, on the verge of heartbreak out of an effort to be kind. And here I am, in the middle of a cleanse that well, to be frank, I could do at any time. I'm glad I chose to eat it. It really made her day. We talked and laughed and she told story after story form her past. We talked about goals and aspirations... and we tore that pie up till the sun came down over the Pacific. Plus she came to my birthday party!

I talk a lot about fulfilling your purpose, being all positive and stuff, and even gave a bunch of mumbo jumbo about the spiritual benefits of the cleanse. On January 3rd, I realized that a lot of times, better living is also about making the right choices at the right time. Even if it involves a detour. I could've easily stayed buried in my personal goal for the moment. I realized that there are 365 other days in the year for me to choose 7 of to clean my colon; and that this particular day would be better spent showing appreciation for someone else's kindness.

so ha!

Peace and Conk Grease... Detroit red!

1 comment:

  1. At the end of the day, you're still the guy I can laugh with when I point to someone and call him a fat motherfucker, and you can still laugh with me when I say that about the rest of the world as well. You're a good guy and a good friend, and you seem like you have your shit together when it comes to being a dad as well. We've known each other a long time, and we both seem to be the same people we were when we first met. Too few among us can say the same, so just do what you do and don't worry. G-d Bless.