What's Grosser Than Gross?

If you guessed a 'baby in a blender' or 'scab sandwich,' you truly are a sick individual, my friend. On January 2nd, I began my first Master Cleanse (http://themastercleanse.org/). And let me tell you, this has been an EXPERIENCE. From the concoctions to the to the detox to the the bathroom mayhem, I've basically discovered that we as human beings are disgusting.

Day 1 was originally supposed to begin on the first of January. Of course that was extremely poor planning on my part. Waking up hungry with a hangover and dehydrated is not the best way to begin cleaning out your system. Especially with the unexplained midget in the bed next to me. After sending him home, I spent the day underneath a blanket, in front of a tv, and grubbing on a 20" bigger-than-you-rims pizza.

So Day 1 actually began on the second day of the year. If you're unfamiliar with the Master Cleanse, I'll break it down for you: Basically for 7-10 days, you consume only a concoction of lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne pepper during the day. A few glasses of water here and there to keep you from shriveling up. Then each night, you enjoy a warm glass of "Smooth Move" tea. And let me tell you, it did NOT in anyway improve my dancing skills or help me out with the ladies. After that, you go to sleep, and wake up with 4 cups of a salt water flush, and then start the process all over again.

The lemon juice cocktail is deliciously disgusting and can lean either way depending how badly you mess up the amount of cayenne pepper. Does anyone else have device that measures 1/10 of a teaspoon (wtf?!)? But by the 2nd day you're pretty much sick of it, no matter how good or bad it is. The smooth move tea, is as you have guessed, is designed to help move your bowels... ahem smoothly. So after having the tea, you go to sleep, exhausted from not eating the whole day(s), and wake up in the morning with an intense physical need to deliver some butt babies.

After heading to the toilet you realize that this isn't an ordinary dump. Mainly denoted by the deep, rich, chocolaty color (and flavor). The odor... Oh, dear God... the odor is somewhat reminiscent of an uncleaned port-a-potty on Day 6 at the State Fair. But you decide to keep it positive. Especially after all the pennies, and chicken bones, and crickets that make their way into the toilet from your intestinal tract. I think I actually found another one of OJ's trophies. After thinking "alriiiight, I'm on my way to healthiness!" Mr. Master Cleanse, (I call it MC and pretend it's Mariah Carey making me do all this, to feel that much better about myself), requires that you partake in gulping down a full 32 ounces of Salt Water. "Sure, anything for you MC!" So after gagging and choking the concoction down, suddenly that road to healthiness takes a detour up shit's creek (pun intended.) Within 30-60 minutes you are back on the toilet for an encore performance. What you thought was a healthy movement is nothing compared to what I've come to describe as "Poup" - a combination of Soup and Poop - the clearish/brownish liquid that comes out with whatever excess was left behind by the tea. And this morning glory becomes your daily routine.

Then, after a few days, you run your tongue along your teeth and you learn a quick lesson in oral hygiene. Chewing actually helps CLEAN your teeth! But since you haven't chewed anything in days, film builds up on your teeth faster than crabs on bedsheets in a brothel (I'll save that story for another blog). So now you've gotta brush and floss even more regularly.

Now I hate to leaving you hanging here, but since I'm not done with this yet, I'll have to fill you in later. However, I will say that I feel great and confident about the process. Now to turn it all around, it is truly a great experience. As your system goes into overdrive to rid itself of toxins coupled with the fact that you're actually tired from not eating, your realize how long it takes for your body to digest the crap (even if you eat fairly healthy) you take in every day. You start to realize how often you think to eat, just to past the time, or to satisfy an unnecessary craving. You start realizing how much money you spend on excess food. You recognize all those extra pit stops on the way home, or the treat from the gas station, or the extra plate at the party.

If you're lucky, you get to do this with a lot of down time, so that your body can rest and you're a little more worry free. Personally, I chose the tail end of my vacation time. On a deeper level, you learn mental and physical discipline. How to take your mind off what you don't have, and focus on what you do have. You start to think about the less fortunate people who don't do this by choice, the ones who are lucky if they even eat once or twice a week. You start to feel different, better even. You learn how to simplify and really assess your true needs, not only in your diet, but in your life.

In a nutshell, I recommend this, or some variation of it, to everyone. Fat or Skinny, broke or rich. Just keep in mind that it's a spiritual journey, and not one to get you back into your 3-piece suit that you wore to Junior Prom. Instead of an intention to lose weight, it should be an intention to change habits and your relationship with food. For years I worked as a personal trainer, and that's the type of advice I would give my clients. I think that should be our goal with anything. Not the quick fix, but long term sense of peace in our lives. Don't pray for a job that gives you more money, pray for a job that truly makes you happy. Don't search for how many people can help you, search for how many people you can help. If you head into things for the wrong reasons, you'll come out with the wrong results. Try to discover reasons bigger than yourself...

sorry this one was super long... butt I'll drop more on you later as things move along...

Until next time, peace and hair grease (I prefer Murray's)


  1. LMAO! You made me think about all the times I've done the cleanse... and you are SO on point. I usually skip the salt water flush because the book says if you develop diarrhea, not to drink it. And guess what, I do. (*Eww*) Good luck! By day 3 you hould get really sick from the toxins leaving your body and by day 5 you should be able to work out and go along with your day.

  2. I can't stop laughing! I do love Smooth Move though and when you do this you need to get air detox spray by Dr. Schultz, it will kill any funk smell fast. So many times Miss Carisse tried to get me to do the Master Cleanse and I have not done it yet and after reading this I think I will stick with eating and be grateful for every bite I take. God Bless You!

  3. well how did it go??